(Dartmouth and Jollimore sit at a black wooden table littered with spider webs and a sinister, glowing jack-o’-lantern perched in the centre. It is almost totally pitch-black dark, with occasional bright flashes of lightning and deep rumbles of thunder in the background.)

Dartmouth: Ugh… Halloween. That time of year when kids – and immature adults – everywhere celebrate everything that’s spooky and scary. (Shudders a little) And you know what I’m like to deal with fear.

Jollimore: (chuckles) Halloween’s a great time of the year to get together and scare up a little fun! Trick-or-treating’s the best bit – and dressing up as wild and wacky creatures, too!

Dartmouth: But trick-or-treating’s dangerous. While people were a bit more accepting of children in weird costumes coming up uninvited to their doors asking for sweets back in the older days, today with all those warnings about ‘stranger danger’ and kids getting kidnapped by imposters on the Internet, they’re now a lot more suspicious of unexpected visitors. Some people have even started sticking up ‘No Trick-or-Treaters’ signs in their windows to keep those annoying little troublemakers away. I should stick one up in my own window, too!

Jollimore: But the kids don’t necessarily set out to other people’s houses to cause trouble – they just want to give ‘em a good freak-out and get some tasty candy in return. And if they do the ‘tricking’ part of trick-or-treating, it’s just a harmless little prank – they don’t try to kill them, or anything terrible like that.

Dartmouth: Well, that’s exactly what people nowadays fear – that those stupid kids will knock at my door, pumpkin-shaped candy pots in hand, and when I open it up, they stick the barrel-end of a gun right up in my face! What a nasty trick to play on me indeed!

Jollimore: (grinning) At least they give you candy. Doesn’t that sweeten the ordeal for you, Dartmouth?

Dartmouth: (groaning) Ugh, what a bad joke to make. It’s a real danger, Jollimore! Those stupid kids could end up killing me – all because they wanted some candy from me, in the name of everything that’s spooky! The candy they’ve got might just as well be bullets for their guns!

Jollimore: If you were dressed as a werewolf, Dartmouth, you’d better hope they weren’t silver bullets. Silver means instant death for werewolves. (giggling)

Dartmouth: (roaring) Rrrrrgggghhhh! Now you’ve got me started! You’ve REALLY got me started! (He whips on a werewolf costume, complete with sharp fangs, and howls noisily up to the darkened ceiling with the white full moon in the night sky and lightning crashing)

Jollimore: (impressed) Ooh, your werewolf impression is really true to life, Dartmouth! Or should I say… true to death? (He whips on a black cape with a red hood and ‘bleeding’ fangs so he looks like a vampire, stretching out and holding up his cape with his hands)

Dartmouth: You’re a vampire now, Jollimore, so that means you’re allergic to the morning sun! I’ll pursue you out into the light of day, and you’ll melt like ice cream in the hot summer! (Growls lowly at Jollimore while he bares his fangs and sharp claws)

Jollimore: (chuckling rather nervously) Eh-heh-heh… I think he’s serious…

Dartmouth: (suddenly roars out at Jollimore, his hairy werewolf arms reaching out while he rushes after him around the ‘set’, knocking down a black ‘wall’ with a fake night window scene to reveal a bright, blue sunny sky)

Jollimore: (feeling the warmth of the sun) Ahh…! The morning is too much… I’m melting…! (He pretends to slump to the ground as if the sunlight is melting him, his cape and fangs sliding off while he crouches down underneath)

Dartmouth: (catches sight of the silver on Jollimore’s vampire ‘fangs’) No, not silver! Silver is a werewolf’s poison! I can’t bear the shiny grey glow… (As he slumps down to the ground, he rips his werewolf costume off himself, tossing the parts aside. He lays a hand upon the discarded vampire costume, beneath where Jollimore lays hidden)

Jollimore: (emerging from underneath his vampire costume) Whoa, that was pretty scary. But scary’s what Halloween’s all about.

Dartmouth: (punching out up into the air off the ground) Huh, you say. But Halloween isn’t really scary at all. Know what’s ACTUALLY scary for me? That a stupid kid could be lurching around the corner, ready to beat up on me and try to kill me at any minute or second of my life!

Jollimore: (smiling) That’s called paranoia, Dartmouth.

Dartmouth: My life is literally one big horror show. And others will watch it!

Jollimore: Actually, they do already. It’s called Secondary School by the Sea. And we’re the stars.

Dartmouth: (sarcastically) Ooh, now THAT’S what I call a nasty Halloween surprise!

Jollimore: (to the audience) It’s true, you know.


A very Happy Halloween to you all!

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